As he worked the crowd following his acceptance speech at the induction ceremonies for the Hall of Fame For Coaches Whose Last Name Ends In a Vowel, Coach Gags was approached by a man who had worked his way through the throng of well-wishers. The man, later identified as Joe the Football Player, made his pointed plea. “Coach, I’ve been playing this game for years now,” Joe said. “I work as hard or harder in practice as any of your guys. We play all of the same teams. But yet I’m discouraged. There has been such a disparity in this league between the haves and have-nots that I’m losing hope that I may never taste success.” Coach Gags paused and engaged Joe, and explained how his new plan would work. “Joe, if you work hard, you will get victories,” Gags explained. “And those of us who have many, will give up a few. You beat them, they beat us, and we beat you, and it will all work out. It’s called ’spreading the wealth.’”
When word spread throughout MIAC football land of Gags’ remarks there was a great hue and cry among fandom. “This is football socialism,” they cried. Surely it would be the end of football as we all knew it. Wins were to be gained in large bunches, weren’t they? And held and savored by the victors, losers be damned.
But the plan was implemented nevertheless, and there was great grumbling to be heard from the pines. After three games, Gags had handed off two victories to Joe the Cobber and Joe the Royal. Starting off 1-2 was surely no way to feed the hungry SJU family. But Coach Gags persevered with his plan. Week after week, Joe the Football Player saw how the magic plan would work. We beat you, you beat them, but they beat us. And gradually the league bunched up. Much excitement was created in MIAC fandom as many bellied up for a sweet taste from the victory cup. As he saw his plan starting to work, Coach Gags gathered his faithful and said, “This is good. Let’s take this Saturday off and enjoy all that we have.”
And they did.
As Coach Gags and his players rested, they were able to watch the wealth be spread from afar. Joe the Cobber shared all he had with Joe the Ole. Joe the Baptist shared his with Joe the Gustie. Joe the Tommie shared with Joe the Auggie. And the neediest of the have-nots, Joe the Piper, graciously shared with Joe the Knight.
When the dust settled, the Johnnie faithful were puzzled and they sought out their inspirational leader. “You see?”, Coach Gags said, “In giving, we receive. What we started, they have continued. And while they were busy sharing their wealth, as we sat idly by, we became richer by rising into first place.”
Yes we can, St. John’s!
