The Johnnie offense struggled in their opening possession, going 3 and out, but made adjustments after that point to put up their highest point and yardage production for the season. Likewise, the Johnnie defense gave up a 10 play 65 yard scoring drive in their opening stand and then did not allow another TD until late in the game while a host of reserve players were seeing playing time.

Connor Bruns started the game at QB for SJU and looked very confident while going 10 for 16 for 242 yards with 2 TD passes. Bruns also ran for a score. The first half saw 4 catchable balls dropped by SJU receivers,otherwise Bruns’ numbers would have been more impressive. The biggest change in the play at QB, that I could see from my vantage point in the stands, was the trust that Bruns had in his receivers to make plays. Brent Graboski  had a big day with 5 catches for 216 yards and 2 TDs. Graboski’s first TD was a 70 yard catch and run on a TE option pass from Wade Powers. The play, dubbed the Power Tower, used Powers ability to throw  a perfect pass, calling on his experience as a Jr. High QB in the  New London- Spicer school system, to a wide open Graboski whose defender had left him to go up into run support.

Wade Powers Jr. TE

Connor Bruns Soph. QB

Brent Graboski Sr. WR

Stephen Johnson had a TD on a 31 yard run in the 1st half. Sam Pederson caught an 18 yard TD pass from John Ries late in the 3rd Qtr. as Ries came into the game in relief of Bruns. Jimmie Mattson connected on FGs of 29 and 33 yards in the 1st half.

The Johnnie defense held Carleton RB Jon Lein to 85 yards on 19 carries after his record breaking 259 yard performance and MIAC Offensive Player of the Week honors last week.

The Johnnie defense was led by  Ian Goldsmith and Andrew Rose with 7 tackles each. Connor Grill,Evan Cobb and Maze Thompson each had a QB sack.Taylor Dammermann forced a fumble and Paul Plombon had a fumble recover. As a unit, the Johnnie defense held Carleton to 207 net rushing yards and 79 net passing yards.

The Johnnies have a big test next week as the Oles of St. Olaf College come to Collegeville. The Oles are ranked in the NCAA  Division III Top 20 and have aspirations of a spot in the play-offs if they can finish their season with a lone blemish on their record as a loss to St. Thomas early in the season. The Johnnies are playing the style of football they are capable of playing,with two consecutive wins, and can keep the momentum rolling to close out the season and play spoiler to the Oles. Closing the season with a 4 game winning streak will launch the Johnnies with confidence going into the offseason,with their toughest test in that stretch of games being St. Olaf. It’s time to “Johnnie Up” everybody!

* Photos are courtesy of GoJohnnies.com

With an opportunity to put a bit of a winning streak together beginning Saturday The Johnnie Football team should be “all-in” for an “all-out” effort versus The Carls.

With former Johnnie strong man Kurt Ramler at the helm for Carleton could tomorrow’s tilt be a glimpse into the Collegeville crystal ball of what might become?

Greek tragedy or not , the Johnnie Football team has plenty of reason to come out fired up and show the home town fans their first winning effort since the season’s opening game vs Northwestern.

Speaking of our UMAC friends from Roseville, what would a Johnnie versus Scholastica match look like?  If you haven’t been paying attention UMAC member St. Scholastica will be making the DIII playoffs this fall in only their 4th season of play.  Time to drop the Evangelicals and add the Catholics. Nice job Saints!

And if you’re planning on pregaming tomorrow you’re invited to commune on the tarmac above the south endzone however JohnnieRed & Veek won’t be grilling up any tasty treats.  Bring a box of donuts to share or if you’re really in the giving mood haul up your grill and feed the masses. 

It’s the Benedictine way.

JohnnieUp Everybody!

Click HERE to view full screen images as a slide show. Look for “slideshow” near the upper right of the screen.

The Johnnies got on the board in the 1st qtr. with an 11 play 80 yard drive capped off with a 3 yard scoring run by Jakob Reding.

The Johnnies would get a 23 yard scoring pass from Joe Boyle to Stephen Johnson and another 2 yard run by Reding in the 2nd qtr. to go into the halftime break leading the Knights  by a score of 21-7.

Coming out for the start of the 2nd half the Johnnie defense gave up some yards early in the opening drive but, were able to get an interception by Kevin Wenner at the goal line and return it to the 25 yard line. The Johnnie offense took over and drove the ball down the field but were not able to score a touchdown however, Jimmie Mattson was successful in kicking a 30 yard field-goal for the Johnnies.

Kevin Wenner Soph DB

The 4th qtr. saw the Johnnies close out their scoring for the day with a 4 yard pass from Joe Boyle to Josh Overman.

Leading the way for the Johnnies on defense was John Stanton who had 10 tackles,he was credited with 1/2 a sack and was in on a tackle for a loss as well. Billy Lawrence had 8 tackles and 2 pass break-ups and Kyle Schroeder was a beast in the middle of the defensive line creating chaos all day being credited with 4 1/2 tackles for loss and 1 1/2 sacks. The Johnnie defense held Carleton to 76 rushing yards. Ian Goldsmith joined Wenner in also intercepting a Carleton pass.

John Stanton Sr. LB

Joe Boyle was 18 of 27 passing with 2 TDs and no interception for a total of 290 yards. Stephen Johnson was the lead horse in the stable of talented running backs with  75 yards on 17 carries. Josh Overman was Boyle’s favorite target with 6 catches for 112 yards.

Stephen Johnson Soph. RB

Next week the Johnnies get back on the bus for the familiar ride to Northfield to take on the Oles of St. Olaf College.The bus driver knows the way and there will be some friendly card games to be sure, but a victory is what will be on the minds of the Johnnies as their plan to finish out the 2010 season one victory at a time is on track.

*Photos are courtesy of gojohnnies.com

This line was famously used by Michael Corleone when speaking to his brother “Fredo” in the Godfather. However for this week’s tilt against those “smart guys” from Carleton this quote rings rather true for all in the Johnnie Nation! Why you ask?

Well it just so happens that the current Head Football Coach at Carleton is one Kurt Ramler, SJU ’97. Yes all in the Nation that is Unrivaled, I am just as shocked as you! How can any Johnnie take up arms against the Nation and the family is quite beyond my comprehension, especially considering all that being a Johnnie has given Mr. Ramler, both on and off the field of play.

However it can be said, and know that I completely agree that the folks down at Carleton are considered (for the most part) to be quite smart. And this reputation must be accurate since someone down there in Northfield had the smarts to grab the young Ramler and install him as the Head Football Coach, therefore remedying decades of Football ineptitudes in only 5 short years. Kudos to those in the Carleton Administration for making a very wise choice, that being choosing a Johnnie when it comes to anything related to Football!

And while all in the Nation are proud of a fellow Johnnie and his accomplishments there is still the matter of actually choosing to go against all that is Collegeville and SJ, even if it is “only” on the turf of the Natural Bowl! I do not know about all of you out there but in the Hacker Family it is not only preposterous that you would attend any other MIAC School other than CSB/SJU, let alone take up arms on Football Saturdays against the nation! Homeless and destitute are more realistic ideals than siding with the weekly enemy! To each his own you say? Heresy is more like it in my opinion!

As we travel done to Northfield and Laird Stadium ( more like cow pasture with a sorry excuse for bleachers) to visit Coach Ramler I say that while he may still hold some Johnnie Football records, they should be notated with an * until he is no longer siding against the Nation that is Unrivaled! And in addition Mr. Ramler should be( and is in my mind) considered on “double secret” Johnnie probation until he comes to his senses and renounces all that is Carleton and looks to come home to his Johnnie family as the next head Coach.

At least one good thing can be said of Mr. Ramler, he is not working for that school at the corner of Cretin and Summit. You know, where the Lane Kiffin of the MIAC coaches the Football team!

Let’s get out and support the Team as they continue to the winning streak against the Carls (they have never beaten SJU). Yup, it is time to Johnnie up in Northfield; see ya at the traveling Tailgate!

The stakes in this year’s contest aren’t nearly as critical however this is Carelton’s last home game and both teams are coming off victories from last week after having lost the weekend prior.

To make your experience in Northfield another fun filled college football weekend, we offer up two opportunities to embrace the Johnnie Nation and and engage in some real Benedictine hospitality. 

Tailgating:  

The Stiftungsfestivities will be making the trip to Northfield this Saturday for the Carleton game. The tailgate will be located at Sechler Park. The park entrance is located 1 block west of the highway 3 and highway 19 intersection. Follow the service road between Kwik Trip and Walgreens for about ½ mile. The party should be going by 10:00 a.m. Bring a culinary delight to share.

 Post Party Revelry: 

Long time Johnnie Football fans and supporters Tom and Carol Arth are hosting a party at their home following the game and will be passing out directions at the game. 

Tom also reminds me Carol will be serving her World Famous Chili prior to the Hamline game in Collegeville.

Thanks to Mike, Carol and Tom for their planning and contributions to the Johnnie Football.com Nation.

JohnnieUpEverybody!

Knight Offense: Vaughn Schmid (#17) starts at QB and is both a threat to run & pass. Jon Lien (#39) is the top Knight RB with 662 yards and 7 TDs on the season. Both Killian Murphy (#7) and C.J. Dale (#14) have been potent weapons for the Knight’s passing game with 3 & 4 TDs respectively. Former Johnnie standout QB, Kurt Ramler, is in his 5th season leading the Carleton program. He is familiar with the SJU schemes and this tends to create some great in-game adjustments.

Johnnie Offense: The Johnnie offense runs the smoothest when they are in the no huddle or hurry up offense. Unfortunately this has been seen mostly at the end of games when SJU is trailing & needs to score points fast. Offensive coordinator, Jim Gagliardi, spent last week in the press box switching places with Mike Trewick. The offense hummed along early and it looked like the Johnnies might roll up 50+ points on the Gusties. If the offense stays aggressive and spreads the field to optimize the mismatchs, there is no reason the Johnnies shouldn’t put up huge numbers this week.

Knight Defense: The Knights are led by senior LB Mark Skoglund, S Neil Kolstad, and S Mike Elder. They’ve allowed over 400 yards of offense per game (and it is NOT a good sign when players in your secondary are near the team lead in tackles). They will be aggressive and bring the blitz to force Joe Boyle to make fast decisions in hopes of forcing some turnovers which Boyle has done this season.

Johnnie Defense: The Johnnies have begun rotating more players into the game on the defensive side of the football, particularly the defensive line. There hasn’t been much pressure from the line all season long and this has been a significant contributor to the 3 SJU losses. The LBs continue to swarm to the football and make running the football difficult for the opposition. A few early turnovers would be just the ticket to a big win.

Knight Special Teams: Eric Murphy handles the Knight placekicking going 3-5 on FGs, and 27-28 on PATs. Bill Moritz is the punter who averages 31.1 yards/kick and has 4 balls inside the 20 yard line. DeAngelo Williams and Tsubasa Matsui are the Carleton kick returners while Jordan Soteros returns punts.

Johnnie Special Teams: Jimmie Mattson continues to handle the placekicking. He missed a PAT last week and appeared to be trying to boom a 50 yard FG. Instead the following PATs were just modest chip shots which is all that is necessary for maximum accuracy. The kicking game has been just a little out of sync all season as the long snapper has a broken thumb that has resulted in several bouncing snaps on punts/FGs/PATs.

The Johnnies haven’t come close to hitting on all cylinders all season long. They’ve been plagued by countless turnovers and some suspect playcalling which has resulted in several close games. There is no reason to believe that Saturday’s game should be close…but I bet it will be. Call it the Ramler Factor!

St. John’s 34 – Carleton 24

Go Johnnies!

Click HERE to view full screen images as a slide show.

[Mr. Shoes Note #1: Typically I pull out Wicker's go-read-this-on-JF.com email introduction and simply post the Underground from that point forward. This week, I'm quoting it here for context.]

All season I’ve been directing you to www.JohnnieFootball.com so you can read the Underground News in all its deserved splendor on a real live website. So I did last week too but, as it turns out, to no avail. Here’s the reason as explained by JF.com webmeister supremo, Joel Schou ‘03 (as is SKOW):

[Mr. Shoes' Note: My sincerest apologies for not getting this up last week. I was on a deadline at the office when Bob sent it over, then had to take off for the weekend as soon as work was finished on Friday. I've been playing catch-up ever since. Look at it this way: two Undergrounds this week!]

Well, considering how fast Joel usually gets it up after I frantically send it to him a short time before sending it out to all my lists, we should all forgive him and understand that he actually has a life beyond handling the Underground …as opposed to me. Oh, that’s not completely fair to me either — I have a life, just not during football season!

[Mr. Shoes Note #2: And wouldn't you know it, I'm late again. My bad, Bob. My bad. On to the Underground...]

* *

Now, to business: As mentioned last issue, we have a chance to set an NCAA Div. III Football attendance record at Collegeville — 50,000 people attending games at ourClemens Stadium during a single regular season. The person who mentioned that to Dusty Wagner last issue said it’s a record that most likely will never be broken. We need approximately 9,000 fans to show up and cheer the Johnnies on to yet another MIAC championship in order to set that record of over 50K. Can we do it?

Well, the weather is supposed to be fair-to-middlin’ — about mid-40s with partly cloudy conditions; that’s colder than the fair-weather folks like it, but for mid-November in central Minnesota, that’s just grand. Dress in layers, wear a hat and gloves, and even bring a blanket, for gosh sakes! This is a perfect game to bring your kids and grandkids.

Next, the opponent — Carleton College — has the worst record this year in the MIAC, so the game normally wouldn’t be much of a draw. EXCEPT — for the last two years Carleton has given us everything we could handle; last year it took a deus ex machina play in the final seconds to avoid an upset and allow us to tie for the conference lead. Also, this team is coached by a former SJU gridiron great, Kurt Ramler ‘97, who will pull out all tricks to beat his former coach, mentor and good friend, John Gagliardi.

Is the outcome necessarily in doubt, though? Not really…The Knights lost too many stallions to graduation last year to be a convincing foe…except sometimes poop happens. That’s why they play the games. On paper we should win by three, maybe four TDs. But come up anyway. Be part of the ever-growing legend of SJU Football. A normal-sized crowd for this game at this time of year with no rain would be about 7,000-7,500, so we need a few more of you fence-sitters to show up and be counted. Heck, 13,100 of us came out for John’s #409 game against Bethel when the high was 13ºF, so I know we can do it.

Did I mention Tom ‘66 and Carol Arth’s chili at the Stiftungsfestivities yet? The Arths are serving it again this year. For you folks who get up to campus around or before 11:30am, why don’t you join the fans that gather in the Science Hall lot (up behind the scoreboard end of the field) and sample some of the goodies that SJU loyalists prepare for all comers — it’s the Benedictine Value of Hospitality in action, learned by example and maybe osmosis from the Benedictine monks and sisters. It’s all free, except the providers do put out a free-will offering jar to replenish supplies if you’re so moved. It’s a very mellow, welcoming crowd…and you don’t really have to know anybody; just show up. There are burgers, brats, deviled eggs, chips, often bars, cookies and/or pieces of fruit, maybe hot cider, and this week chili. There’s nothing like St. John’s football — so, Johnnie up, everybody. And, as usual, our opponents — Saturday it’s the Knights of Northfield — are honored guests, so you visitors to Collegeville please feel free to come as well. Wearing a Carleton sweatshirt or hat will probably get you a contraband brew.

* *

Last week our contest was indoors — on one of the nicest imagineable outdoor football watching days this fall. Go figure. It was a home game for Augsburg College and I’m not sure why it was played at the Metrodome. Maybe it’s done every year by them for their last home game; or maybe they looked at the schedule, saw it was SJU, and booked the joint so they could make some dough off the ever-present Johnnie Faithful. If the latter point is the reason, well…it worked. There were about 2,300 fans present and I’d say that close to 2,000 of them were dressed in red.

A little farther below you’ll read the details of that contest, won fairly convincingly 28-7 by SJU. I predicted a fairly close game, due to a frosh QB, John Ries, filling in for injured regular, Joe Boyle. I said the game would be highlighted by our defense hopefully throttling the Auggies and our offense keeping it on the ground. The final score is misleading. Throw out our first TD, which came on a fluke fumble/recovery-for-points in the opening seven seconds, and remove a meaningless TD scored in the closing seconds after a desperate Augsburg turned over the ball on downs within the red zone, and you have a 14-0 game. Only they scored on a 93-yard interception-run back in the 4th Quarter as SJU was threatening on the Auggies’ 7-yard line, the only major flaw in young Ries’ day. It should have been a 21-0 win, what with the Jays controlling the ball 2/3 of the game, mostly on the ground.

Our defense was simply awesome once again. We held their admittedly pathetic running game to ZERO yards, and their fairly potent passing game — it led the MIAC going into our game — to merely 100 yards. So it was not a too-close contest, like the St. Olaf game turned out to be.

The pregame celebration in the backroom of Hubert’s seemed very successful; we packed the place. For the most part I avoided taking notes, preferring just to mingle with old and new friends. But John Delebo ‘81, talking with Tom Awe (father of soph RB Harry) at the bar, offered this quickie for you: What do you do if your neighbor’s dog starts humping your leg? If it’s a pit bull, you let it finish. And a tall blonde, Kate Lawrence Boyle ‘97, wife of Jeff Boyle ‘90, came up and said that they’d like a “shout out” to Jeff’s uncle, Dave Boyle ‘59 of Belton, TX, who apparently is a faithful Underground reader (God bless his little cotton-pickin’ heart). I’m not sure how to do a “shout out” in the Underground, but I trust this works: “HELLO TO DAVE FROM JEFF AND KATE…AND GO JOHNNIES!, Y’HEAH?”

I bumped into two retired District Court judges down for the game while doing other family stuff in the Cities. First, at Hubert’s was classmate Rick Ahles ‘64 with wife Karendown from St. Cloud, and outside the Dome was John Lindstrom ‘63 with his wife and some family, over from their home near Willmar. I ran into Highland Park neighbor and friend Thom Farnham ‘72 and his son Tom ‘01, who is also an old chum of my older daughter Megan ‘03, both at Cretin-Derham Hall and CSB-SJU. Also saw old pals Tom‘60/’64 and Lynn McKasy who were meeting family for the game.

Inside I waved to classmate Bob Malby ‘64 as we made our way to great seats staked out on the 40 yard line by John Sipe ‘61/65 and John Diffley ‘64, up from Stewartville, MN for family stuff/game. Next to us sat star running back Kellen Blaser’s sister Melissa Voight and her husband Justin, and their two very little heirs. Kellen and Melissa have a Bennie sibling, Jennifer Blaser Femrite ‘00; they all hail from Austin Pacelli.

At the half I enjoyed a nice visit with Joe ‘66 and Kathy Mucha; Joe being retired VP of HR for General Mills. They were sitting — boys in one row, girls in front of them — with classmates Steve Askew and wife Carol Burgeson Askew, both ‘66 (Steve’s still serving as a District Court judge); Roger ‘66 and Judy Hipwell; Pat ‘66 andMolly Maxwell; and Molly Leahy Jacobs ‘66, widow of Pat ‘66. This group of friends, a real Johnnie/Bennie Rat Pack, do quite a bit together.

Besides the Johnnies’ seven-second fumble recovery TD and the Auggies 93-yard interception TD, the next most memorable item was for the Johnny Nation to get lectured by the Augsburg announcer on sportsmanship. What a fathead. The Johnny fans are very knowledgeable on the game, including rules. We appreciate good plays on either side and generally know when either side has erred. So when an Auggies back was darting around the end and heading up the field along the sidelines, a St. John’s defensive back launched himself at the opponent while still inbounds. They crash-landed well out of bounds right in front of the Augsburg bench. A flag for something like unsportsmanlike conduct or hitting out of bounds immediately went up. Naturally, the partisan Jays showed their displeasure with the call…to us it was obvious that the Auggie was not hit while trying to step out of bounds nor was he hit out of bounds. A huge and long chorus of boos peppered with “Bad Call” resounded through the cavernous stadium.

At that point the announcer reminded the fans something about the need to show sportsmanship and that the MIAC requests that…blah, blah, blah. A short announcement would have sufficed, but this guy couldn’t help himself and continued with some more remarks about thinking and acting “positive”. Some of us starting booing the announcer, and John Sipe remarked — not nearly loudly enough for it would have brought the house down if he had — “All right, I’m POSITIVE that was a bad call.” The irony of all this, certainly lost on that sanctimonious Augsburg dude, was that on the field Augsburg was flagged not once, but two times for “face mask with twisting” penalties.

After the game we hightailed it over to St. Cecilia’s to prepare for the light meal after the St. C’s Red Mass. There was a fairly nice turnout, including Joe Pilon ‘62/’66, who came with wife and friends but couldn’t stay for the party afterwards. Celebrant Fr. Mike Byron ‘81 again “convinced” the St. C’s music director, Katie Jeanne Doldmarried to her Tommy Patrick, to play the SJU Alma Mater before the processional and the Johnny Fight Song after the recessional. People do hard things for job security.

It was quite an interesting mélange of people of varying ages and backgrounds, but everyone mingled with great bonhomie, while enjoying the fruits of generous donors: John Uldrich ‘60, cooking up a storm of his JohnnieBrats™ in his SJU logo-ed white chef’s jacket; and plentiful bottles — yes, brand new bottles — of Olde Johnnie Ale, sent to us by OJA godfather Mark Selner SJP ‘68/UST ‘73 and his classmate and Cold Spring Beer district sales honcho, Mick Detviler UST ‘73. While neither could make it over Saturday, I gave the history of OJA and urged those present to start requesting that their favorite liquor stores and pubs begin carrying it — (Note to Mark Zimmer of theLa: Are you hearing this?). John Uldrich gave us his pitch about how we should start asking repeatedly for JohnnieBrats at our favorite grocery stores in order to create some demand and awareness. In both cases, St. John’s benefits. First, with OJA the Prep School receives a small piece of every drop sold, and John is donating all profits from his brats product to The Record, of which he was an editor in 1959.

The highlight of the evening was viewing a 30-year-old video of part of a CSB/SJU talent show featuring our own Mike Byron, then a smart-ass student who brought down the house two years running with his dead-on interpretation of Fr. Don (Camillus) Talafous OSB admonishing students about the downfalls of Home Town Honeys. The entire video is up on Mike’s class’s home page on the SJU Alumni website; I asked Thom Woodward ‘70 for assistance in wider viewing and here is his response:

* *

Here’s the Web page, Bob, for Mike Byron’s act.

He’s introduced at the 18:05 mark. All folks have to do is go to the Web page, hit play and then advance the scroll bar at the bottom about one-fourth of the way. Wait for the clip to re-buffer to see the time, and adjust accordingly. The “lecture” concludes at the 25:09 mark. Hope this makes sense!

(Editor’s Response: Mucho thanko, Thomas. I’m sure our more technicallly astute readers will get this easily enough; I’m wondering if there’s a way to lift this bit out of there and put it on Youtube. Maybe Webmaster Shoes can do it?)

* *

Enjoying the evening with — as Fr. Mike described it to the parish after Mass — a fellow group of “insufferable” Johnnies and Bennies were: Jim ‘45/’50 and Carol Unger;Gerry Sande ‘52/’56; George Lowe ‘55 (as in HOW), his daughter Anne and sister Jean, who is a St. C’s parishioner and longtime Johnnie football supporter; Ron ‘65 andSandy Tomczik; John Sipe ‘61/’65; Tom Awe (UST actually, but father of Harry and St. C’s member); Chris Gillespie [Scholl], of St. C’s and mother of Janel Scholl Lewandowski ‘97; Bob Welle ‘73, Mary Nord ‘74 of St. C’s; Tom Weiss ‘66/’70; Dave Smoker SOT ‘09 of St. C’s; Mike Byron ‘81; John Uldrich ‘60; Bob ‘82 andAnn Schmidt of St. C’s, their daughter Clare ‘09, and her boyfriend, SJU defensive end Jimmy Sharpe ‘10; Mary Emanuelson ‘82 of St. C’s; her brother Frank Emanuelson ‘90, and good friends, Liz Pojar UST ‘86 and Kathleen Frawley Huyck ‘82 (her husband Tom Huyck ‘82 wasn’t present). Underfoot were four future Johnnies: Andrew Herrick, Joey Pojar, and Will Huyck, all of 2017, and Dave Herrick 2018. Before we leave this year’s Red Mass report, Clare Schmidt — much to her mother’s chagrin — asked me to share this quickie: “What did the brassiere say to the top hat? You go on ahead and I’ll give these two a lift.”

By the way, Fr. Don Talafous was originally scheduled to attend the St. C’s celebration, but his achin’ 83-year-old dogs rebelled at the prospect of all that walking over to the Dome and then the many steps up and down inside. He did, however, get to see the video of Mike Byron in action…again. He witnessed the act firsthand three decades ago. He told Mike last week that he still has yet to forgive him over these 30 years but admits to being impressed with the subtleties of humor in those times versus nowadays.

Finally, returning home from a full day I read via email that John ‘58 and Cathy Petsch Maas ‘60, members of St. C’s although living in Hudson, WI, found out they had double-booked for the evening and had to cancel out. Next year.

By Thursday afternoon (yesterday), I had hoped to have had sent this issue into cyberspace, but I had attended from a funeral in New Richmond, WI; that has slowed up things a bit — yet always at work on your behalf I met Justyn Cowman ‘97 at the luncheon. He is the stepson of my friend, Theresa, who died last week and was buried yesterday. Justyn, who works in sales and marketing for Kimberly Clark and just welcomed his firstborn into the world recently, told me that he also has an uncle, Joe Butorac ‘83, who is a Johnny, as well as some cousins: Jeff ‘07; Joe’s daughter, Kelly (I believe a CSB grad, but maybe still in school); and Joe’s son Matt, a current student.

Last evening we attended the celebration of the feast of St. Albert the Great at the Dominican parish named after him, i.e., “Big Al’s, the eatingest parish in the Archdiocese.” At the meal and fund-raising auction after Mass I was enjoined by Colleen Lilly ‘81 to get the Underground out first thing…she’s waiting for it; she was there with her fatherLeroy ‘55. Also present was Dave ‘63 and Karin Wendt, and oft-times Johnny fan/friend/Underground reader, Naval Academy ‘65 Joe Deitch. Naturally we were hosted by Big Al’s pastor, Fr. Joe Gillespie OP ‘64; and, although I didn’t see him in the crowd, I understand Joe’s brother, Fr. Tom Gillespie OSB, was down from St. John’s for the party.

Please try to help break the attendance record this Saturday. Go Johnnies.

All my best,

Bob Wicker SJP ‘60/SJU ‘64, St. Paul
theowick@aol.com; 651-699-4697

* * * *

These two Carleton grads applying for jobs at a large company had to take an intelligence test. After the test they met in a bar and compared notes.

“What did you say for the question that said to name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant?” asked the first Knight.

“I thought it was tough at first, but then I thought of ‘Superintendent’,” replied the second.

“Hmmm … I wonder who’s right?” said the first. “I wrote down ‘Horticulturist’.”

* * * *

2009 MIAC Standings —

Through games of November 7, 2009

UPCOMING GAMES

November 14, 2009 – all at 1 PM

• Augsburg @ Bethel – Although I’d love to see the Auggies upset the Royals, it just ain’t gonna happen.
• Carleton @ Saint John’s – Poor Ramler…the bottom fell out this year after two very competitive seasons.
• Gustavus @ Concordia – The Cobbers are going to see their fourth straight victory.
• Hamline @ St. Olaf – My sentimental favorite here is Hamline, but the game’s in Northfield…???
• Northwestern (MN) @ St. Thomas (non-conference) — Will Caruso have his guys hit 60+ points or will he show some class, not to mention mercy?

* * * *

More Scenes From Stearns County —

An arts and antiques collector from the Twin Cities was walking down the main street of Albany last September when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a shabby second-hand store and he did a double take. He recognized that the saucer was extremely old and very valuable, so he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replied, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector said, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

The owner quickly said, “Sold,” and handed over the cat. The collector continued, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

“Sorry, buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this year I’ve sold eighteen cats.”

* * * *

Sent via Jerry Howard ‘59, St. Cloud — who, along with Bob Neis ‘65, Sr. Lois Wedl OSB ‘53, and Thom Woodward ‘70, serves as a regular stringer/news scout for theUUN in the Stearns County area — Frank Rajkowski’s blog after the Augsburg game; it’s so interesting that I’m reprinting the entire deal:

Behind the numbers: St. John’s/Augsburg

Posted 11/7/2009 11:34 PM CST on sctimes.com

Here is the good news for the St. John’s football team. With their 28-7 win over Augsburg this afternoon at the Metrodome, the Johnnies clinched at least a tie for the MIAC title and the conference’s automatic bid to the Division III playoffs. Which means St. John’s (7-0 MIAC, 9-0 overall) has now at least a tie for its 14th conference title in the past 19 seasons, its 27th conference title under head coach John Gagliardi and its 31st conference title overall.

The Johnnies are also going back to the postseason for the 11th time in the past 12 seasons (2004 was the only season in that stretch that St. John’s missed the playoffs). St. John’s can clinch the conference title outright with a win in the regular-season finale against Carleton next Saturday at Clemens Stadium. With a loss, the Johnnies would share the title with St. Thomas (7-1, 8-1), which is done with conference play and closes the season with a nonconference matchup with Northwestern (Minn.). But even in that case, St. John’s holds the tiebreaking edge for the automatic bid by virtue of its win over the Tommies earlier this season.

The bad news is that the Johnnies continue to face injury woes. Quarterback Joe Boyle will have the injured right thumb (partially-torn ligament) that kept him out of today’s game re-examined Tuesday and the hope is that the cast he has been wearing can be removed. But today, junior running back Jakob Reding left the game in the fourth quarter with an injured right knee. The initial indications point to a spained MCL. He will undergo an MRI Monday.

“It’s just amazing what we’ve been able to do this season when you think of all the injuries we’ve had this season,” said Gagliardi, who picked up his 470th career collegiate coaching victory to extend his lead as the winningest coach in college football history. “(All-American defensive lineman Nick) Gunderson has been playing hurt (with a torn ACL). Boyle has been out. We’ve had a bunch of other guys go down.”

And yet, St. John’s – ranked No. 4 in the nation in both Division III national polls and No. 1 in the most recent West Region rankings – remains unbeaten and seemingly in good shape for perhaps at least two or even three home playoff games with a win next week depending on how the final seedings come out (and, of course, winning said playoff games).

But before jumping ahead to Carleton and former Johnnies quarterback Kurt Ramler, let’s take one more look back at today’s win by plunging behind the numbers:

38:51

That’s how long the Johnnies held the ball in today’s win, compared to just 21:09 for Augsburg. St. John’s dominated the time of possession thanks largely to its ground game. With freshman John Ries making his first collegiate start in place of Boyle, the Johnnies once again leaned on the running attack, rushing for 213 yards as a team. Reding had 10 carries for 69 yards, Steve Johnson had 15 carries for 65 yards and Kellen Blaser had 15 carries for 59 yards. Nine players carried the ball for St. John’s in all.

The Johnnies ability to control the ball on the ground was especially apparent on an 18-play, 98-yard drive in the second quarter that ran 10:28 off the clock and was capped off by a 21-yard touchdown pass from Ries to Blaser to make the score 21-0. But the touchdown was just the second pass of the drive as St. John’s ran the ball on 16 of those 18 plays.

“It felt like we were out there for almost the whole second quarter,” said Blaser, who also rushed for a 2-yard touchdown in the first quarter.

With the ground game working, Ries just had to manage the offense. He finished 8 of 15 passing for 91 yards and a touchdown. He also threw one interception, which was returned 93 yards for a touchdown in the fourth quarter by Tyler Judkins for Augsburg’s only score of the game. The interception ended a 16-play, 75-yard Johnnies’ drive that had run 8:34 off the clock.

“It was my first (start), so I’m not going to be too hard on myself,” Ries said. “There were things I thought I could have done better. That interception was a big play. But it wasn’t the end of the world. Overall, I thought I managed the game pretty well and got the ball in the hands of our playmakers.”
His teammates also felt Ries performed well as he returned to the field where he led Wayzata to the Class 5A state title last season.

“He did a good job,” said tight end Josh Overman, who suffered a bruised rotator cuff, but not before making a lunging 26-yard catch over the middle to set up Blaser’s touchdown run. “We told John that his job is to get the ball to our playmakers and to manage the game. He doesn’t have to be the guy to make big plays. He just needs to get us the ball and let us do our jobs. And he did a good job of that today.”

4

That was the number of sacks the Johnnies defense recorded today, including three in the first half. That success helped keep the Augsburg passing game – which was averaging an MIAC-best 283.9 yards per game – largely in check. The Auggies finished with just 100 yards passing and were held to exactly zero yards in the running game. Augsburg quarterback Marcus Brumm finished 15 of 32 passing for 100 yards with an interception. The Auggies also lost two fumbles, including one on the game’s opening kickoff that freshman Kevin Wenner returned 16 yards for a touchdown to give St. John’s a 7-0 lead just seven seconds into play.

“We had a bunch of sacks right away and after that you could see that they were really trying to get off some quick passes,” said defensive tackle Noel Meyer, who had a sack and a fumble recovery. “That pressure really affected what they were trying to do.”

2

That’s the number of weeks in a row that Augsburg has given up a touchdown on the game’s opening kickoff. In a 42-3 loss to St. Thomas a week ago, it was Tommies sophomore Fritz Waldvogel who returned the kickoff for a touchdown. Today, it was Wenner’s fumble recovery that put the Auggies in an early hole from which they never recovered.

“That was beautiful,” Gagliardi said with a smile. “It was big. I wish that would happen every week.”

* * * *

A banker who is a graduate of the Unversity of St. Thomas was arrested recently for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education.

As the detective — a St. John’s alum — was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “My daugter’s in college too. I have one question for you: where were you going to get the rest of the money?”

* * * *

The St. John’s football team (7-0 MIAC, 9-0 overall) hangs steady at No. 4 in both of this week’s Division III national polls. The Johnnies remain No. 4 in both the D3football.comand AFCA top 25 rankings. Mount Union and Wisconsin-Whitewater remain No. 1 and 2 in each poll. St. Thomas is No. 10 in the D3football.com poll and No. 12 in the AFCA poll after beating Bethel Saturday.

The Royals are no longer getting any votes in the D3football.com poll.

* * * *

College football: Ries steps up, delivers the win for the Johnnies

By Frank Rajkowski, St. Cloud Times

MINNEAPOLIS — John Ries wasn’t trying to be Superman Saturday afternoon. An efficient, competent version of Clark Kent suited him just fine.

The St. John’s freshman quarterback managed the Johnnies’ offense effectively enough to help his team top Augsburg 28-7 in MIAC action before a crowd of 2,335 at the Metrodome.

“Our game plan was to pound the ball on the ground and throw a few short passes to help get me in a rhythm,” said Ries, who finished 8 of 15 passing for 91 yards. St. John’s piled up 213 rushing yards.

“I wasn’t trying to do anything too fancy. That wasn’t why they had me in the game. My job was just to manage the offense.” (Read more)

* * * *

College football: Wenner sparks SJU

By Frank Rajkowski, St. Cloud Times

MINNEAPOLIS — Unlike some of his teammates, St. John’s freshman defensive back Kevin Wenner never got the chance to play at the Metrodome while in high school.

But the St. Cloud Cathedral graduate certainly made the most of his first opportunity to play under the Teflon as a collegiate player Saturday afternoon.

Wenner who recovered an Augsburg fumble on the opening kickoff and returned it 16 yards for a touchdown seven seconds into the game. The fumble occurred when Auggies freshman Cameron Krugerud faked a handoff after fielding senior Russell Gliadon’s kick.

Krugerud seemed to lose control of the ball and Wenner was there to take advantage. (Read more)

* * * *

St. John’s 28, Augsburg 7

Scoring and Stats
[The St. Cloud Times]

* * * *

MIAC Football Week Eight: SJU Clinches Title, UST in NCAA Playoff Hunt

by Rich Mies SJP ‘76/UST ‘80, College Sporting News’ “Mapping the MIAC” Columnist

On an Indian summer day with temperature in the 60s, Saint John’s went inside the HHH Metrodome to wrap up the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference’s automatic berth in the upcoming NCAA Division III playoffs. They scored a 28-7 win over Augsburg, assuring them of at least a tie for the conference crown. St. Thomas kept pace with a 19-10 win over Bethel, keeping UST on the inside track for a Pool C berth in the playoffs. Elsewhere, Concordia toppled Carleton, 31-16, and St. Olaf downed Gustavus, 20-7. Hamline stepped out of league play and retained the Paint Bucket with a 38-6 win over Macalester. (Read more)

* * * *

A new Carleton student was asked by her faculty advisor, “If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

After a little thought, she answered, “The living one.”

* * * *

Unofficial Underground Flu (H1N1 or Otherwise) Information Center —

Flu Square Dance

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you’ve got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don’t goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
By George, you’ve got the it, you’re doin’ the Flu!

Some like it cold, some like it hot;
If you like neither, get the shot.

* *

Anti-Flu Info

(Editor’s Explanation: I’m a skeptic about all the hype regarding H1N1 flu. I don’t plan to take the shots, but rather am taking natural steps to build immunity from all of this seasonal crud. You don’t have to agree with me; in fact, there are some people who definitely need the shots and should check with a doctor about it. Here’s a link to some info from some equally skeptical MDs about the flu and how to avoid it (if you are a normally healthy individual without compromised immune sytems, respiratory difficulties or other medical problems): [www.douglassreport.com] )

* *

Bill Moldaschel Groaner —

(Editor’s Explanation: When I transferred into St. John’s Prep as a junior, we had a biology teacher named Bill Moldaschel ‘59 from Sleepy Eye, MN who either had just graduated or was a senior teaching us. He was discussing viruses and how they related to Biology when he told us about a little story that went around in the so-called Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918 that killed millions around the world.)

There was a man who had a parrot named Enza. One day the bird escaped its cage and flew out the window. The man missed his pet very much and often went outside and called its name: “Enza, Enza.” He had just about given up hope of ever seeing him again when one day he opened the door and in flew Enza.

(Editor’s Further Word: I don’t know how Mr. Moldaschel fared as a science teacher later on, but I can guarantee you he didn’t go far as a comedian. Does anyone know what ever became of him? I can’t find him in the SJU Online Directory. We had another SJU student/teacher that same year who taught us English: Chuck Hoenig ‘59. I ran into Chuck at Homecoming five years ago; he’s a retired high school English teacher who lives in Eden Prairie.)

* *

Okay…Is It a Cold or the Flu? —

How do you tell them apart? With flu it’s common for you to have a fever, non-productive cough, severe aches and pains, often the chills, tiredness and severe chest discomfort along with a headache. The flu comes on very quickly, in a matter of hours.

On the other hand, with a cold it tends to develop over a few days; it comes with a sore throat, sneezing, stuffy nose and a hacking, productive cough.

No matter which symptoms you get, wash your hands a lot, stay away from people and remain home and in bed. Cuz I don’t want your stoopid flu…or cold. Best advice for you to avoid either is to take a pharmaceutical-grade fish oil daily, plus supplement with Vitamin D-3 and, during the winter months, Cod Liver Oil. One or two of those odorless garlic capsules daily will help too. Drink green tea while you’re at it. Wash your hands frequently and keep them away from your face, especially mouths and eyes.

* * * *

More Scenes From Stearns County —

Taking advantage of the unseasonably mild and dry early November weather, four monks from St. John’s Abbey decided to take some time off during an afternoon last week for the probable last round of golf of the year.

Swapping their Benedictine habits for polos and slacks, they headed for the River Oaks Golf Course just outside Cold Spring. After paying their greens fees, the monks hired two caddies to carry their four bags, and then teed off.

After several holes one of their their caddies asked, “You guys wouldn’t be monks from St. John’s by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one middle-aged cleric replied. “But how did you know?”

“I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language,” came the reply.

* * * *

From Aimee Wagner, wife of Dusty ‘83, Eden Prairie, MN —

Do you know how to get a hold of Lindsay Good [‘06, Nutrition Bites columnist]? She needs to know about my healthy chocolate I eat. There is no caffeine, all natural and low sugar:

Healthy chocolate??? Take a look: Diabetic Friendly, Caffeine Free, Gluten-free And Trans-Fat Free. No Artificial Colors Or Flavors, No Preservatives, Waxes Or Fillers. Extremely High In Antioxidants, Neutralizing Free Radicals and tastes awesome!! www.fortheluvofchocolate.com — Aimee

(Editor’s Comment: Aimee, aka the ‘Earth-Mother of the Stiftungsfestivities’, is responsible for the wonderful deviled eggs she prepares and supplies for each tailgate. (I imagine that her husband, Dusty ‘83, godfather of JohnnieFootball.com, might have some duties with those eggs too.)

* * * *

From Lindsay Good ‘06, Edina, MN —

Thank you for passing along the email, Bob! The chocolate looks interesting – might need to try it although plain old dark chocolate will do for me

I’m glad you did email me because Jason ‘06 and I are in Santa Monica for his conference and I will not have a Nutrition Bites prepared for this week’s Underground. Sorry! Enjoy the rest of your week~ Lindsay

* * * *

Pre-Med Students’ Corner —

A guy calls the anesthesiologist’s office. “I just got my hospital bill and your charge was $900. That’s more than what the surgeon charged me for the operation! Is this a of mistake?”

“No, not at all.”

“That’s an awful lot of money for just knocking someone out.”

“I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around.”

* * * *

“Failing with Style”

Some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless — and inventive — students.

Question: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer: Early death

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

* * * *

From John Hooley ‘74, Stillwater, MN —

Thanks, Bob. Great to sit with you and Fred [Senn '64] at the E-Luncheon. Thanks for adding me to your Underground News distribution list. I will look forward to receiving the write-ups in the future.
Best regards, John

(Editor’s Note: Also sitting with us at that luncheon table were Kyle Nolan ‘98, Gigi Fourré Schumacher ‘74, Kathy Garrett Bassett ‘84 (daughter-in-law of Jim Bassett ‘58, who is recovering from a serious bike accident), John Uldrich ‘60, Laurie Rivard ‘81, and Jay Diley (father of Jimmy ‘05, former SJU center, who two weeks ago passed the bar, got married to Elizabeth Gottwalt ‘05, and began a brewing business, all in the space of about four days.

The E-program, sponsored by the Donald McNeely Center for Entrepreneurship at CSB/SJU, featured a presentation by Bennett Morgan ‘85, president and COO of Polaris Industries, a leading manufacturer and marketer of off-road vehicles, motorcycles and snowmobiles. Accompanying him were some other Johnnies and Bennies that work for Polaris: Mark McCormick ‘77-director of Polaris Defense; Mike Malone ‘80-VP Finance & CFO; Dewey Pettit ‘93-internal audit manager; Sean Bagan ‘98-manager, international finance & operations; Jodi Jostock ‘99-international sales operations analyst; Ben Hooley ‘04-international marketing specialist; and Lisa Kingsley‘04-corporate marketing specialist.)

* * * *

From Dick Jessen SJP ‘59/SJU ‘63, Foley, MN —

Hi, Bob. Mike Boyle is a loyal Johnnie football fan and a friend with whom I sing bass in St Mary Cathedral Choir in St. Cloud. Mike would like to be included on your SJU UUN mailing list.

There is also a Red Mass at St Ben’s at 5 p.m. Saturday November 14, 2009. Fr Don Talafous will be the celebrant. — Dick

(Editor’s Note: Dick refers to the real Red Mass, celebrated in honor of judges, attorneys, civic leaders and academicians since Medieval days where those sorts of yore wore red robes in the course of their formal duties. Everyone is welcome to attend the Mass, held at Sacred Heart Chapel, after the Carleton game. The St. Cecilia’s version of the Red Mass celebrated overt, unmitigated prideful/grateful Johnnie-ness and Bennie-ness.)

* * * *

From Bob Malby ‘64, Edina, MN —

Wickster, Too bad we didn’t get together sooner when I saw you at the Augsburg game yesterday. I had a nice visit with John Diffley at halftime. I believe that it was Rich Ahles that I saw in the stands, but we didn’t talk. I was surprised that I didn’t see more guys from the class of ‘64 at the game. But, then, it was an awfully nice day to be inside at the Dome.

I sent a note to our classmate, John P Ries, in Oregon, to see if the new QB, John Ries, is any relation. Since the announcer pronounced his name “Rice”, I expect there is no connection. Either that, or the radio guys don’t know how to pronounce a good German name. But, then, there are the legions of people who suffer from dyslexia syndrome that for eons have pronounced FaVre as though it were spelled FaRve…………….

I tried to get Gary Hackenmueller and Wally Hinz to go to the game yesterday, but no takers. Gary and I did go to the St. Olaf game. As you know, it’s hard for Gary to get around, so we didn’t stop at the pre-game fest. I see by the Underground that Ben Grage was there. Sorry I missed seeing you guys. See you at the playoffs. — Bob

* * * *

From Honorary Johnny and shipmate on board the USS Boston, Harry Acker, Virginia Beach, VA, sent the night before the Augsburg game —

Hey, Sea Scribbler! Good luck tomorrow. By the way, I’m all for term limits in Congress. Each member should be limited to 2 terms: 1 in office, 1 in jail! — Roadblock

* * * *

From Dio Rockers ‘64, Scottsdale, AZ —

Wick, Thanks for the information on the death of Jim Lehman. He was our JV football and varsity track coach at Austin Pacelli in the late 50’s. I attended St. John’s because of Jim. As you can imagine, he was in his early 20’s at the time and an amazing athlete. He would have the running backs in football try to catch him while he was running backwards. They never did. I always hoped I would have a chance to run into him in Scottsdale. Sadly that will never happen. — Dio

* * * *

From John Chromy ‘64, Washington, D.C., re the last issue —

Wicks–thanks, always great fun. – John

* * * *

From Dennis Ginther ‘63, Denver, CO —

Quick question – I noticed a note from Joe Mulheran ‘64 — Knew him way back when if he is the NW Airline pilot— we were buddies that, as often happens, drift. Would like to touch base with him if you could forward his email address. Thanks, Dennis

* * * *

From Bill Draves ‘64, Cactus Gulch, AZ —

Wick, Hey, even without a football game to report on, you write an interesting newsletter. More, please! — Bill

(Editor’s Comment: AZ Billy obviously gets lonely, or maybe bored, out there in Cactus Gulch. We are nevertheless pleased with and grateful for his ongoing support. Incidentally, two other friends of mine — David Van Landschoot ‘72, now of Littleton, CO, and classmate Bob O’Donnell ‘64, of Ft. Worth, TX, wrote in with some jokes and a hello. It was nice hearing from both of them; in fact, we might see Bob at the Carleton game since he has to be up in Minnesota around that time.)

* * * *

From Mike Hogan SJP ‘61/Creighton U. ‘65, Omaha, comes a serious message, only some of which I need to publish for you women readers —

Handbags

Have you ever noticed girls who set their handbags on public toilet floors, then go directly to their dining tables and set it on the table? Happens a lot!

Women carry handbags everywhere; from the office to public toilets to the floor of the car. Most women won’t be caught without their handbags, but did you ever stop to think about where your handbag goes during the day?

We decided to find out if handbags harbour a lot of bacteria. We learned how to test them at Nelson Laboratories in Salt Lake, and then we set out to test the average woman’s handbag.

Most women told us they didn’t stop to think about what was on the bottom of their handbag. Most said at home they usually set their handbags on top of kitchen tables and counters where food is prepared. Most of the ladies we talked to told us they wouldn’t be surprised if their handbags were at least a little bit dirty.

It turns out handbags are so surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested them was shocked.

Microbiologist Amy Karen of Nelson Labs says nearly all of the handbags tested were not only high in bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria.

Pseudomonas can cause eye infections; staphylococcus aurous can cause serious skin infections and salmonella and e-coli found on the handbags could make people very sick.

In one sampling, four of five handbags tested positive for salmonella, and that’s not the worst of it. ‘There is fecal contamination on the handbags’ says Amy. Leather or vinyl handbags tended to be cleaner than cloth handbags, and lifestyle seemed to play a role.

People with kids tended to have dirtier handbags than those without, with one exception.

The handbag of one single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the worst contaminations of all. ‘Some type of feces or possibly vomit,’says Amy.

So the moral of this story is that your handbag won’t kill you, but it does have the potential to make you very sick if you keep it on places where you eat. Use hooks to hang your handbag at home and in toilets, and don’t put it on your desk, a restaurant table, or on your kitchen counter top.

The microbiologists at Nelson also said cleaning a handbag will help. Wash cloth handbags and use leather cleaner to clean the bottom of leather handbags.

* * * *

Back & Forth with Mark Selner about Old Johnnie Ale after he emailed that he and Mick Detviler arranged for a supply to be served after the St. C’s Red Mass:

Wicker: Much obliged, Mark! Drinking out of our new BOTTLES will be great. And the Padre [Fr. Mike Byron] loves OJA…I brought him a 4-pack right after you started selling them and he’s been slipping me plenary indulgences ever since.

Selner: Does the Padre do blanket forgiveness??? I’ve always said, for every case of OJA you buy, you lose 5 years from purgatory!! (I think this is a Benedictine thing!)

(Editor’s Comment: Perhaps either Fr. Byron or someone from the Abbey or the School of Theology can weigh in with the correct theological perspective — like exactly how much OJA is needed to effect spiritual benefits.)

* * * *

Elementary and Secondary Education Majors’ Corner —

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.

‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN’T PRAY?

* * * *

A recent Carleton grad found employment easily enough after graduation. After six months in his entry level job, the Knight decided he needed both more pay and more responsibility, so he prepared some written arguments and, late one afternoon, knocked on his boss’ door.

The boss motioned for the Carleton lad to come in. The Knight put his briefcase on the man’s desk, opened it and handed his boss an envelope. “What this?” asked the manager.

Our Knight said firmly, “It’s for my job evaluation. I took the liberty of typing up some reasons why I feel I’m a model employee ready for greater challenges.”

His boss nodded, then opened the envelope. He studied some pages for a few moments, then said,
“These are photocopies of your naked butt.”

Quickly reddening, the Carleton grad sheepishly replied, “Oops. Wrong envelope.”

(With thanks to Glenn McCoy of “The Duplex”)

* * * *

Quote of the Week —

“Your mind is on vacation, but your mouth is working overtime.”
— Mose Allison, jazzd singer/songwriter

* * * *

SOT, Jewish Studies Department —

An 18-year-old Jewish girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.

“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

The mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again!”

* * * *

THE LAST WORD —

From the Underground’s Resident Humorologist, C.J. Ross ‘64, San Diego —

A University of St. Thomas alum walks into a St. Paul restaurant on west 7th Street with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The Tommy grad says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the Tommy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the UST grad and the ostrich come again and the Tommy says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again our Tommy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says our guy.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the Tommy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table…

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” explains the UST grad, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp… When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the Tommy.

The waitress then asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The Tommy sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

* * * *

That’s It! And not a moment too soon. G O JO H N N I E S ! ! Give Carleton a real Knightmare…or something like that.

The Johnnies took on the Carleton Knights in the season finale and prevailed 41-14 in a game that saw a little bit of everything. The Johnnies were playing without starting QB Joe Boyle, Starting RB Jakob Reding and starting MLB Ryan Wimmer, but their back ups played well.

Billy Lawrence stepped in for Wimmer and he had 2 interceptions and 3 tackles. During the return of the second interception Billy appeared to  be channeling J.C. Watts, the great Oklahoma Sooner QB of the late 1970’s who ran the option offense to perfection. After Lawrence made the interception he saw he was about to get tackled,  as he was in the grasp of two Carleton defenders he pitched the ball to Nate Anderson who took the ball to the end zone for the first score of the game with 2:44 remaining in the 1st quarter. The Russell Gliadon PAT made the score SJU7-Carleton 0

After Carleton scored early in the 2nd quarter, the Johnnies Stephen Johnson scored from 2 yards out with 7:51 remaining in the 2nd quarter. The half time score was SJU 14-Carleton 7 after another successful PAT by Gliadon.

At half time the Johnnie coaching staff made some nice adjustments and put in a new “triangle” formation to create space for the outside running game. Greg Sowden played an instrumental role in the success of this scheme. Sowden, who was projected to play left offensive guard this season, is back from early season injuries and really is a sixth offensive lineman in this type of a running formation. When the coaching staff put in this package, I’m sure they thought only of the blocking ability Sowden brought to the table. What the team also inherited  was a precise route running, sure handed, pass catching tight end as Sowden showed off his skills in the pass catching game later in the contest. After running the ball exclusively to the left side and seeing Stephen Johnson make nice gains each time,  QB John Ries found Josh Overman open on the right side for a 21-yard TD pass on this opening drive of the 3rd quarter.Gliadon again made the PAT for a 21-7 SJU lead.

Ethan Eid had missed several games early in the season recuperating  from a groin as well as a shoulder injury. Being held together with duct tape and baling twine, Eid has returned to action and is in fine form. At the 7:02 mark of the 3rd quarter, Eid stepped in front of a Carleton pass and bumbled, rumbled and stumbled 59 yards for the second SJU defensive TD of the afternoon. Followed by another Gliadon PAT the score was 28-7 in favor of the Johnnies.

The 4th quarter saw Carleton score again and the Johnnies scoring twice more. The second running TD by Stephen Johnson, as his star continues to rise for the Johnnies heading into the play offs, was from 2 yards out with 6:20 remaining in the game. Again, Gliadon made the PAT.

Scott Ramey scored the final TD of the day with 1:33 remaining in the contest on a QB keeper. The PAT was wide to the right making the final score SJU 41- Carleton 14.

The leading tackler for the Johnnies again was John Stanton with 11 tackles. Andrew Pierskalla had 4 tackles and 2 sacks. Noel Meyer also had a sack and Griffin Hayes had a fumble recovery to highlight the defensive statistics beyond what was mentioned earlier with Lawrence, Anderson and Eid.

The offensive statistical leaders were John Ries who was 9 of 16 passing for 119 yards with 1 TD and no interceptions.  Stephen Johnson has 128 yards on 26 carries and 2 rushing TDs.

The passing game saw Josh Overman with 3 catches for 73 yards and a TD. Kellen Blaser caught 2 balls for 22 yards.

The play offs begin next Saturday November 21. At the time of this writing it is not known where the Johnnies will play and who their opponent will be. With an undefeated record and being ranked in the top four teams in the nation over the past several weeks, conventional wisdom says the Johnnies should have their first round game at home., but  as goes the saying “time will tell”.

If you are an early morning reader of this column, don’t forget to check back on JohnnieFootball.com later today as our panel will discus the Johnnies first round opponent and the Road to Salem.